How to Stop Blaming Yourself for the Red Flags You “Should Have” Seen

Hey friend, I was just getting ready for this morning’s group coaching call (you know, the one I do every week with my support group for navigating family court) — but before I jump on, I wanted to share something that comes up all the time with the amazing protective parents I coach.

So many of you are beating yourselves up over all the red flags you didn’t recognize.

You say things like:

• “Why didn’t I see it?”

• “How could I have missed that?”

• “If only I’d known then what I know now…”

And especially when there are kids involved, it can feel overwhelming.

You start spiraling — I should have protected them better… I could have prevented this if I’d just understood those warning signs sooner…

Sound familiar?

If so, I want to tell you something important.

If You Believed Their Lies, It’s Because You’re Honest

Let’s say you learned about their porn problem.

You asked regularly:

“How long has it been since you looked at anything?”

And they respond:

“Oh, it’s been forever. A long, long time.”

To you, “forever” might mean years.

But to them? “Forever” could mean… yesterday morning.

“I haven’t done that in forever” might mean not since last weekend.

And because you don’t think that way — because you are truthful — you assume they mean what you would mean. You project your own honesty onto them.

Everyone Projects From Their Own Baseline

We all project from the baseline of our own internal character and integrity.

• If you’re a truth teller, you assume others are truthful.

• If you’re a manipulator, you assume others are manipulating you.

• If you’re paranoid, you assume others are trying to trap you — because that’s what you would do.

So if you’re sitting there thinking, “How could I believe them?” — I want you to pause and realize:

You believed them because you’re honest.
You trusted them because you’re trustworthy.
You assumed the best because you offer the best you have.

That doesn’t make you foolish.
That makes you a person of integrity.

And that is exactly why they chose you.

They exploited your goodness.
They saw your trust and twisted it into a weapon.

But that doesn’t mean you’re the problem.
It means they are.

Now That You Know Better…

Once you’ve earned your honorary PhD in recognizing narcissistic spin and deceptive entitlement and coercive control — no, you don’t keep trusting them. That would be unwise.

But it’s also unwise to keep berating yourself for who you were before you learned all this.

You didn’t fail.

You were targeted (often precisely because of your good character.)

Let Me Paint You a Picture…

Imagine you’ve only learned math up through 6th grade: addition, subtraction, multiplication, and long division.

And then someone hands you a calculus equation.

You’re going to try to solve it with the most complex tools you know — long division.

But calculus doesn’t work like long division. You try and try with the rules that you know... and you just keep failing over and over again.

Why?

Not because you’re stupid.
Not because you’re lazy.

But because… you’ve never been taught calculus.

You can’t solve a problem when you don’t know the terms and you don't have the tools.

In the same way — if you were trying to make sense of lies and manipulation and betrayal, but all you had were the tools of honesty, trust, and transparency — then of course you couldn’t make it compute.

You’re not worthless.
You’re not stupid.
You were just using the best tools you had.

Now that you’ve seen the deeper patterns? You’ve learned a whole new kind of math. You’re seeing things differently.

It doesn’t mean who you used to be was wrong or shameful.
It just means you’re growing.

And growing means giving grace — especially for your past self.

So please, stop kicking yourself for what you didn’t know back then.
You were doing your best with the tools you had.

And that?
That’s worth honoring.

Ready to Stop Spiraling and Start Strategizing?

If you’re tired of second-guessing every co-parenting decision, drowning in court chaos, and trying to protect your kids while piecing yourself back together…

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• Scared because your ex keeps twisting the system against you?

• Struggling to track, respond, and prove the patterns of harm?

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It's not hopeless. You’re just outmaneuvered by a lack of ethics.

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